I'm a picky eater.
I'm such a picky eater, a friend asked if it would faster to be list what I did eat rather than what I didn't, and I actually had to think about that question.
(With vegetables, at least, the "yes" list is definitely bigger than the "no" list.)
But even with snacks. Salty before sweet. Salty before everything. But there's a salty snack hierarchy. Pretzels over chips. (And I will tell you BRANDS. Snyder's over Rold Gold. Actually, Rold Gold are the bottom of the pretzel barrel. Snyder's first, then store brand, THEN Rold Gold.) If we're into potato chips, Ruffles over Lays. Tortilla chips after that. Sun Chips are inedible, and don't even get me started on Cheetos. (Fritos are in a special category -- I LOVE Fritos but find it hard to stop at a healthy amount. Fritos are acceptable on special chip-eating occasions, like Super Bowl Sunday, but otherwise must be avoided so I don't eat the whole damn bag. I probably need a sponsor for Fritos.) And what sick bastard invented Funyuns? You'll see me standing in the chip aisle staring at the Variety Packs of single serve chip bags for 20 minutes, trying to figure out if there is any combo pack of chips I'd actually eat every selection in.
There isn't. I want NACHO CHEESE Doritos, you morons, not Cool Ranch. What sort of abomination is a Cool Ranch Dorito?
I'm also picky about other things. One might say compulsive about germs and hand-washing. There's anti-bacterial hand gel in pretty much every room of my house (and conveniently dangling from the side of my purse -- so I don't even have to unzip the bag to clean my hands). I'm all about the tidy. I try to be subtle about it, but people catch me rolling my eyes when they dip their hand back into the shared food after licking their fingers.
So, hey, remember Sunday when I went white-water rafting? (Jeez, was that just SUNDAY?) When we stopped for lunch, I really needed the break, because I was exhausted. And I didn't realize I was hungry until the guides started chopping apples, and then I thought, "Holy FUCK, I need food."
While the guides are still setting out the buffet (they'd flipped a raft over to make a table), they realize we might be really fucking hungry, so they open a couple tubes of Pringles and toss them to us to share.
Ah, passed hors d'oeuvres.
Someone offers me some Pringles. Ranch.
Ranch Pringles.
I've taken off my soggy paddling gloves and dried my hands on :::looking around::: myself. Other rafters in similar states of unclean have been digging in this can of Pringles.
I pause for the briefest of seconds; decide I really don't care THAT much; shrug the briefest of shrugs -- and eat Pringles. Ranch Pringles. With dirty hands. Out of the community Pringles can.
They're delicious. I eat more. Pringles aren't bad. Ranch is actually a pretty darned tasty flavor.
And I know this is situational. I am not going to go back to "civilization," drop by the supermarket, and pick up a three-pack of Ranch Pringles. It is only because right here, right now, I'm hungry and tired and far from a sink or hand-cleanser or any of the 20 snacks I'd buy before Ranch Pringles, and the Department of Any Port In A Storm has provided the glorious port of ranch-flavored Pringles. They really seem quite flavorful.
I think about other times I've done this. In the real world, I won't open a window unless there's a screen on it 'cause I don't want to let bugs in. On vacation in Fiji, I stayed in a little one-room hut where the wooden windows were just propped open with planks. And I mean, SURE, you could shut the windows but it would be hot as hell in there because it isn't like this place has air conditioning. (It doesn't even have a floor.) And as I went to sleep that night, with the windows propped open, I saw a little lizard thing hop on in and hang out on the wall. And I shrugged and thought, "you know what? fuck it," crawled inside my mosquito-netted bed, and slept until the sun rose.
And part of me notices this and kind of LIKES the fact that Vacation Me can set aside of Home Me's bullshit and still get through the damn day and ENJOY IT. And I have this possible epiphany, wondering if MAYBE this is part of why people like camping -- not necessarily the being outdoors part, but the seeing-who-you-are-when-you're-outdoors part.
And then the next day, I did the pottery-making thing. And driving to that, it dawned on me that I was going to spend a couple hours with dirty hands and clay stuck underneath my nails. And, good Lord, I HATE having dirty hands and stuff stuck underneath my nails. And I told myself, "Self, you signed up for this, just bring Vacation Me." And I DID bring Vacation Me. And they gave me a little rag to use to wipe off my hands, and I used it when I was too dirty to actually get a smooth grip on the clay, but, mostly, I just let the clay gather up on me, just BEIN' messy, confident in the knowledge that when the class was over I could wash up and go back to being Mr. Monk.
This may be part of the 50 for 50 which I hadn't actually thought about when I was putting it all together. It's not so much the Jumping Off The Stratosphere part of this that's a stretch for me -- I tend to enjoy jumping off things. It's the little parts where I'm pushed a teensy bit outside of my comfort zone, and learn that I can thrive there.
And survive on Ranch-flavored Pringles.
Saturday, June 16, 2018
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
50 for 50: 39 - Pottery Class with Sharon
Sharon used to work at the court. She reached out to me when I first started working there, which I really appreciated. But we sort of drifted to our own corners and didn't really hang out much together. She's left the court -- gone off on her own -- and I reconnected with her on Facebook.
I've noticed from her posts that she digs some things I dig -- like space exploration. And Dapper Days. I wonder why we'd never stumbled upon these common interests when we were working in the same damn place.
I posted that 50 for 50 was pretty much open to any of my FB friends who wanted to play, and she asked to get in on this. Hell, yes! This project isn't just about celebrating with people I'm already close to. It's also about giving a little push to friendships that can use a kick in the pants.
Sharon was interested in pottery class, which turned out to be a good choice. (Full disclosure -- I had exchanged a few messages with someone else about doing the pottery class item. We couldn't really find a pottery class and the whole thing fell through the cracks. Hey! Other friend! If you're still interested in a 50 for 50, I totally want to play!)
It was not easy to find a one-evening private pottery class. Most places run classes for multiple sessions and/or want you to join an group class.
And then we stumbled upon POT. A radical collective in Echo Park, run by women of color. How radical? Here are some of the items for sale:
So, yeah, me and Sharon decided to get our Radical Feminism on and make some progressive pottery. (Woo! Power to the people!)
And then I put on the kitty apron.
Yeah. The revolution is coming and it consists of two bespectacled middle-aged Jewish women wearing cutesy aprons. Be afraid.
We met our teacher for the night, a young woman named Desiree, who asked that she be called Dez, had a bunch of ink and a nose ring, and emitted a really positive energy. (Also: she's the sort of person who probably appreciates being told she has positive energy.) She's good at ceramics and good at teaching; she's patient and funny and offers us a bottle of wine.
We each have our own wheel and lump of clay. Dez takes us very slowly through the steps of throwing a pot. (And let's see how well I remember. Put bat on wheel. Put clay on bat. Attach clay to bat. Spin it into a cone. Smush cone down into a ... well, Dez's looked like a fat mushroom, but mine looked like a Ding Dong. Find the center. Press in at an angle. Pull that out so your Ding Dong is vaguely candy-dish shaped. Tidy the inside. Pull up the sides until you've got a cup or a vase or whatever you're aiming for -- or, if you're us, something you probably aren't aiming for. Turn off wheel. Remove item. Drink more wine. Get another bat and lump of clay.) Dez walked us through it once, and we each came up with something you could legitimately call a ... thing. Mostly round. Bowl- or dish-like.
She then talked us through it a second time. Sharon got something legit out of the second one, but I messed up on pulling it and it lost roundness. It very much lost roundness. Looked at from above, I proudly announced that I made a Yin.
In places, I was working it left-handed. There was one very good reason for this and one odd one. The good reason was that several fingernails on my left hand had previously broken, so the nails over there were much shorter than on my right. And throwing pots is not something you want fingernails for. You're supposed to find the center of your Ding Dong with your right index finger. Due to the nail situation, I was using my left middle finger. Dez rolled with it, telling Sharon to stick out her finger and point at her pot, while I was telling my pot to fuck off. But the odd thing was that she'd tell us to hold the pot with our left hand and shape it with our right, and I'd just WANT to do it the other way around. Shaping with my right hand felt awkward. Who am I kidding, the whole thing felt awkward, but shaping it with my left felt a lot more right.
(I am reminded that, back in the day, I used to pirouette the wrong way. Well, I wouldn't say "wrong," but it was the way the teacher said lefties turn. Hey! Maybe I'm a lefty for art!)
ANYWAY, we had a third try at the pots, and I was up to the "pulling it" part and I made another Yin. Although, THIS time, I caught it happening, so I know exactly what I did and how to avoid it. (Basically, the third finger of my right hand, which isn't involved in this step at all, dropped slightly. My nail hit the pot, carving out a chunk of clay, and the shock of the moment made me jerk both hands away too fast.)
When we finished, Dez let us each pick one of our pots to be glazed and fired (and available for pick up in about a month). For me, it was a pretty easy call -- I went with the actual pot, rather than one of the ones that looked like it would be home in "The Persistence of Memory." Sharon had two decent ones to choose from, and we helped her pick. Then we spent way too long choosing our glaze colors, because glazing up the little dishes that we actually MADE somehow seemed REALLY IMPORTANT.
Then we cleaned up and took pictures with Dez.
Despite the radical feminism of the mugs in the shop (and I'm not even talking about the "Stop having Sex with White Guys" I saw on the desk -- was that one a political statement or a mental note the manager left for herself?) there wasn't anything particularly radical about our class. OK, sure, you sit with your legs around the wheel like you're giving birth to it, but that's about it for the feminism. But you COULD feel that "safe space" POT talks about on its website. Art or craft (or whatever hybrid pottery is) can be scary, especially when you're experimenting with it for the first time and have no actual clue what you're doing. But it's fun to try it in a supportive environment with a friend.
I've noticed from her posts that she digs some things I dig -- like space exploration. And Dapper Days. I wonder why we'd never stumbled upon these common interests when we were working in the same damn place.
I posted that 50 for 50 was pretty much open to any of my FB friends who wanted to play, and she asked to get in on this. Hell, yes! This project isn't just about celebrating with people I'm already close to. It's also about giving a little push to friendships that can use a kick in the pants.
Sharon was interested in pottery class, which turned out to be a good choice. (Full disclosure -- I had exchanged a few messages with someone else about doing the pottery class item. We couldn't really find a pottery class and the whole thing fell through the cracks. Hey! Other friend! If you're still interested in a 50 for 50, I totally want to play!)
It was not easy to find a one-evening private pottery class. Most places run classes for multiple sessions and/or want you to join an group class.
And then we stumbled upon POT. A radical collective in Echo Park, run by women of color. How radical? Here are some of the items for sale:
So, yeah, me and Sharon decided to get our Radical Feminism on and make some progressive pottery. (Woo! Power to the people!)
And then I put on the kitty apron.
Yeah. The revolution is coming and it consists of two bespectacled middle-aged Jewish women wearing cutesy aprons. Be afraid.
We met our teacher for the night, a young woman named Desiree, who asked that she be called Dez, had a bunch of ink and a nose ring, and emitted a really positive energy. (Also: she's the sort of person who probably appreciates being told she has positive energy.) She's good at ceramics and good at teaching; she's patient and funny and offers us a bottle of wine.
We each have our own wheel and lump of clay. Dez takes us very slowly through the steps of throwing a pot. (And let's see how well I remember. Put bat on wheel. Put clay on bat. Attach clay to bat. Spin it into a cone. Smush cone down into a ... well, Dez's looked like a fat mushroom, but mine looked like a Ding Dong. Find the center. Press in at an angle. Pull that out so your Ding Dong is vaguely candy-dish shaped. Tidy the inside. Pull up the sides until you've got a cup or a vase or whatever you're aiming for -- or, if you're us, something you probably aren't aiming for. Turn off wheel. Remove item. Drink more wine. Get another bat and lump of clay.) Dez walked us through it once, and we each came up with something you could legitimately call a ... thing. Mostly round. Bowl- or dish-like.
She then talked us through it a second time. Sharon got something legit out of the second one, but I messed up on pulling it and it lost roundness. It very much lost roundness. Looked at from above, I proudly announced that I made a Yin.
In places, I was working it left-handed. There was one very good reason for this and one odd one. The good reason was that several fingernails on my left hand had previously broken, so the nails over there were much shorter than on my right. And throwing pots is not something you want fingernails for. You're supposed to find the center of your Ding Dong with your right index finger. Due to the nail situation, I was using my left middle finger. Dez rolled with it, telling Sharon to stick out her finger and point at her pot, while I was telling my pot to fuck off. But the odd thing was that she'd tell us to hold the pot with our left hand and shape it with our right, and I'd just WANT to do it the other way around. Shaping with my right hand felt awkward. Who am I kidding, the whole thing felt awkward, but shaping it with my left felt a lot more right.
(I am reminded that, back in the day, I used to pirouette the wrong way. Well, I wouldn't say "wrong," but it was the way the teacher said lefties turn. Hey! Maybe I'm a lefty for art!)
ANYWAY, we had a third try at the pots, and I was up to the "pulling it" part and I made another Yin. Although, THIS time, I caught it happening, so I know exactly what I did and how to avoid it. (Basically, the third finger of my right hand, which isn't involved in this step at all, dropped slightly. My nail hit the pot, carving out a chunk of clay, and the shock of the moment made me jerk both hands away too fast.)
When we finished, Dez let us each pick one of our pots to be glazed and fired (and available for pick up in about a month). For me, it was a pretty easy call -- I went with the actual pot, rather than one of the ones that looked like it would be home in "The Persistence of Memory." Sharon had two decent ones to choose from, and we helped her pick. Then we spent way too long choosing our glaze colors, because glazing up the little dishes that we actually MADE somehow seemed REALLY IMPORTANT.
Then we cleaned up and took pictures with Dez.
Despite the radical feminism of the mugs in the shop (and I'm not even talking about the "Stop having Sex with White Guys" I saw on the desk -- was that one a political statement or a mental note the manager left for herself?) there wasn't anything particularly radical about our class. OK, sure, you sit with your legs around the wheel like you're giving birth to it, but that's about it for the feminism. But you COULD feel that "safe space" POT talks about on its website. Art or craft (or whatever hybrid pottery is) can be scary, especially when you're experimenting with it for the first time and have no actual clue what you're doing. But it's fun to try it in a supportive environment with a friend.
Sunday, June 10, 2018
50 for 50: 38 - White Water Rafting with Sabing (and Family)
I did berry picking with Jacob (and Sabing and Peggy). I did carnival games with Peggy (and Sabing and Jacob). And today, I went white water rafting with Sabing -- and Peggy and Jacob tagged along.
They almost didn't. This was one of the 50 for 50's that went through a lot of negotiation, and one of the options was that Sabing and I just go ourselves. (We also considered various other California rivers, and even a man-made course at an Oklahoma waterpark.) Issues had to do with us wanting to do this on just a weekend, my chronic-ish foot injury, my lack of endurance, and Jacob being 11 when most rafting places only take kids 12 and over.
Most.
We pretty much had it down to either a class III that we could take Jacob on and a class IV that we couldn't, until we found the nice people at Whitewater Voyages who would plop us on the (class IV) Lower Kern as long as Jacob was older than 9. Score!
We drove up last night (playing Car Bingo to keep Jacob's head out of his iPad. We decided we needed to update "Car Bingo." Like, instead of asking you to spot an airplane, a house post, and a tow truck, it should include things like a drone, solar panels on a roof, and a car carrier trailer.) Once we got up there, we checked in to the Kern River Lodge, which was cuter than it looked in pictures. Jacob made a beeline to the giant chess set. I checked in and got settled, then met Sabing over by the chess set. Where he was already losing.
Jacob is good at chess. Real good. And he likes it. A lot. At a quiet part of the river trip, our guide asked Jacob what was his favorite thing to do when he's at home, and he got real quiet thinking about it, and then came up with "play internet chess." I'm not sure the guide saw that one coming, but he decided it was cool. It IS cool. I watched the rest of the game he played against Sabing and he was way ahead of both of us. (I started "helping" Sabing. Made no damn difference.) He saw things we didn't see; even suggesting Sabing make certain moves. He jumped around the board (physically -- it was that kind of chess set) casually explaining things in ways I'd never considered. Sabing took losing to his kid in stride. It must be challenging dealing with a kid who is really freaking good at something -- extraordinarily so, for his age -- while you're still his parent and better than him at everything else. It looked to be working. I had half wondered if Jacob was going to difficult about this, lording his victory over his father. But it was all very natural -- everyone just casually accepts that Jacob is better at chess than us, and Sabing manages to lose to him in a way that is still educational -- asking Jacob to explain things, or reinforcing lessons from his coach.
Which was all well and good, because today we were going rafting, and the adults here were DEFINITELY better than Jacob. But he still did well -- he paddled in sync with the rest of us, followed the guide's directions, and (most importantly) did not go flying off into the water. I'm just not sure he moved a whole lot of water.
....
What? Oh, dozed off a bit there. I am tired. I am so tired.
All this Sabing/Jacob stuff is really interesting but here are the bullet points you're looking for:
- Three hour drive up.
- Dinner at the Bar & Grill next door.
- Sleep. Wake up. Shower in a teensy stall which was Not designed by a woman who had to shave her legs in there.
- Show up at rafting center at 8:45.
- Meet the other two rafts (which were doing the second day of a two-day trip) and wait while they strike camp.
- Don't get in the water until 10:30
- Sit on the left so I can keep my left ankle immobile
- RAFT! Get wet! Have fun!
- Paddle together really well, so guide starts doing extra fun things.
- Stop to portage raft around a class V rapid.
- (Watch our guides run the rapid rather than portage the other two rafts.)
- Get back in the ra--
- Slip on some rocks while trying to get back in, and get scraped up a teensy bit.
- Now get back in the damn raft.
- Raft to lunch uncomfortably and kind of awkwardly.
- Enjoy lunch.
- Enjoy more lunch.
- This is some tasty lunch.
- Get back in the raft. Peggy, Sabing and Jacob change places because Jacob wants to switch sides. (I stay where I am because of ankle.)
- We're a bit tired this time. There's a lot of wind blowing against us, so we have to paddle a lot in the quiet stretches just to keep from going backwards. We're not as sharp. I can see where the dude in front of me is messing up his stroke, but don't want to say anything because, hello! pot! have you met kettle?
- A rapid goes less than perfectly. Not anyone-goes-for-a-swim bad, but we ended up having to throw all our weight on one side of the raft (and quickly the other) to keep from toppling. And the big jug in the center of the raft got loose from its straps in all the crashing water and bodies. I may have slammed into it, but "loose item in raft on a class IV rapid" is a way better justification for a bruise than, say, "must have hit myself sleeping"
- Realize we're all getting tired paddling into the wind, and we've got a couple more rapids to do.
- Guide tells us that the last rapid on the run is the most technically difficult. DOES NOT tell us (until after) that he wants redemption on this one after how he ran it yesterday. We get a bit nervous and all quietly pledge to give this one our all.
- Guide rearranges Sabing and Jacob to put Jacob back on the other side of the raft -- where he'd been before lunch. Because of the weight distribution. Basically, he has to be on the same side as Jacob, and he works better from the other side. And we need every advantage we can get for the last rapid.
- It works. We run it flawlessly. It's called "Pinball" for what turns out to be super obvious reasons, and I watch us plot a perfect course between rocks as our raft pinballs around this thing without tilting the board We are psyched.
- And then it's over. We pull the rafts out and have a half-hour drive back to base.
- First (actual) bathroom in over seven hours!
- And a clean place to change into dry clothes.
- And another three hour drive home.
- Stop for pizza on the way.
- OK, now home.
The exhaustion is overwhelming. I nearly dozed off twice just while writing that bit.
CLEARLY, no two-day rafting trips are in my future.
They almost didn't. This was one of the 50 for 50's that went through a lot of negotiation, and one of the options was that Sabing and I just go ourselves. (We also considered various other California rivers, and even a man-made course at an Oklahoma waterpark.) Issues had to do with us wanting to do this on just a weekend, my chronic-ish foot injury, my lack of endurance, and Jacob being 11 when most rafting places only take kids 12 and over.
Most.
We pretty much had it down to either a class III that we could take Jacob on and a class IV that we couldn't, until we found the nice people at Whitewater Voyages who would plop us on the (class IV) Lower Kern as long as Jacob was older than 9. Score!
We drove up last night (playing Car Bingo to keep Jacob's head out of his iPad. We decided we needed to update "Car Bingo." Like, instead of asking you to spot an airplane, a house post, and a tow truck, it should include things like a drone, solar panels on a roof, and a car carrier trailer.) Once we got up there, we checked in to the Kern River Lodge, which was cuter than it looked in pictures. Jacob made a beeline to the giant chess set. I checked in and got settled, then met Sabing over by the chess set. Where he was already losing.
Jacob is good at chess. Real good. And he likes it. A lot. At a quiet part of the river trip, our guide asked Jacob what was his favorite thing to do when he's at home, and he got real quiet thinking about it, and then came up with "play internet chess." I'm not sure the guide saw that one coming, but he decided it was cool. It IS cool. I watched the rest of the game he played against Sabing and he was way ahead of both of us. (I started "helping" Sabing. Made no damn difference.) He saw things we didn't see; even suggesting Sabing make certain moves. He jumped around the board (physically -- it was that kind of chess set) casually explaining things in ways I'd never considered. Sabing took losing to his kid in stride. It must be challenging dealing with a kid who is really freaking good at something -- extraordinarily so, for his age -- while you're still his parent and better than him at everything else. It looked to be working. I had half wondered if Jacob was going to difficult about this, lording his victory over his father. But it was all very natural -- everyone just casually accepts that Jacob is better at chess than us, and Sabing manages to lose to him in a way that is still educational -- asking Jacob to explain things, or reinforcing lessons from his coach.
Which was all well and good, because today we were going rafting, and the adults here were DEFINITELY better than Jacob. But he still did well -- he paddled in sync with the rest of us, followed the guide's directions, and (most importantly) did not go flying off into the water. I'm just not sure he moved a whole lot of water.
....
What? Oh, dozed off a bit there. I am tired. I am so tired.
All this Sabing/Jacob stuff is really interesting but here are the bullet points you're looking for:
- Three hour drive up.
- Dinner at the Bar & Grill next door.
- Sleep. Wake up. Shower in a teensy stall which was Not designed by a woman who had to shave her legs in there.
- Show up at rafting center at 8:45.
- Meet the other two rafts (which were doing the second day of a two-day trip) and wait while they strike camp.
- Don't get in the water until 10:30
- Sit on the left so I can keep my left ankle immobile
- RAFT! Get wet! Have fun!
- Paddle together really well, so guide starts doing extra fun things.
- Stop to portage raft around a class V rapid.
- (Watch our guides run the rapid rather than portage the other two rafts.)
- Get back in the ra--
- Slip on some rocks while trying to get back in, and get scraped up a teensy bit.
- Now get back in the damn raft.
- Raft to lunch uncomfortably and kind of awkwardly.
- Enjoy lunch.
- Enjoy more lunch.
- This is some tasty lunch.
- Get back in the raft. Peggy, Sabing and Jacob change places because Jacob wants to switch sides. (I stay where I am because of ankle.)
- We're a bit tired this time. There's a lot of wind blowing against us, so we have to paddle a lot in the quiet stretches just to keep from going backwards. We're not as sharp. I can see where the dude in front of me is messing up his stroke, but don't want to say anything because, hello! pot! have you met kettle?
- A rapid goes less than perfectly. Not anyone-goes-for-a-swim bad, but we ended up having to throw all our weight on one side of the raft (and quickly the other) to keep from toppling. And the big jug in the center of the raft got loose from its straps in all the crashing water and bodies. I may have slammed into it, but "loose item in raft on a class IV rapid" is a way better justification for a bruise than, say, "must have hit myself sleeping"
- Realize we're all getting tired paddling into the wind, and we've got a couple more rapids to do.
- Guide tells us that the last rapid on the run is the most technically difficult. DOES NOT tell us (until after) that he wants redemption on this one after how he ran it yesterday. We get a bit nervous and all quietly pledge to give this one our all.
- Guide rearranges Sabing and Jacob to put Jacob back on the other side of the raft -- where he'd been before lunch. Because of the weight distribution. Basically, he has to be on the same side as Jacob, and he works better from the other side. And we need every advantage we can get for the last rapid.
- It works. We run it flawlessly. It's called "Pinball" for what turns out to be super obvious reasons, and I watch us plot a perfect course between rocks as our raft pinballs around this thing without tilting the board We are psyched.
- And then it's over. We pull the rafts out and have a half-hour drive back to base.
- First (actual) bathroom in over seven hours!
- And a clean place to change into dry clothes.
- And another three hour drive home.
- Stop for pizza on the way.
- OK, now home.
The exhaustion is overwhelming. I nearly dozed off twice just while writing that bit.
CLEARLY, no two-day rafting trips are in my future.
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
50 for 50: 37 - VR Game with Miriam
[Editor's Note: Yes, #36 happened, and it was fun. It is not being written up for reasons of confidentiality. Wouldn't want anyone to have to explain anything at their (admittedly unlikely) Senate Confirmation Hearing.]
Miriam is, demographically-speaking, unlike any of my other friends. She's 20. Just about to start college. Age-wise, she's more likely to be one of my friends' kids than my actual friend. And yet, we have quite a bit in common.
I actually met Miriam at the theatre. In London. Seeing Shakespeare. And she was visiting London, too.
I get that. I was that. I saw Shakespeare in London when I was 20, too.
The similarities end at Miriam being from Germany.
Look, Shakespeare is a little hard for an American to understand, and we're all working with what is (basically) the same language. But to get Shakespeare, to dig Shakespeare, to go to another country to see a cool production of Shakespeare when English isn't even your first language, well that gets you a few points on the Impress-Sharon-O-Meter.
Miriam travels. She stays in hostels and takes public transit and does it all on the cheap so she can see the world. She's a vegetarian at home but not when she travels because she wants to taste everything, to experience everything -- and not miss out.
She came to L.A. She's here for all of two days on the way to visit a couple more cities, and we planned to meet up. She's staying by the beach and I'm working downtown and we figured the best way to actually see each other is for her to meet me downtown after work.
Many text messages were exchanged. She's too young to rent a car, so the actual logistics of getting her to downtown involved either a ride-share (which she couldn't easily afford) or a lot of Metro trains. (Three, actually.) Many more text messages were exchanged in trying to figure out what to do. And here, I have to remind myself that she's 20, and I was 20 once, and I sometimes confused "wanting to appear unselfish" with "refusing to make a damn decision." I offer multiple choice. She chooses the Star Wars VR thing.
I am secretly pleased. I would have taken her anywhere she wanted (what with being the guest in my country and all) but the Star Wars VR thing is actually on my 50 for 50 list. I make a reservation.
Miriam successfully navigates the Metro and lands a couple blocks from my office. I meet her there and we walk to my car. I try to be a good tour guide, but the most I can think of is that we're walking by the Metro exit that always smells of urine, and (seeing as I had intentionally sent her out a different exit), it didn't seem right to point that out. The best I could do was shrug and say, "Downtown L.A. looks a lot different from the movies."
I drive us to the VR thing, which is located in the Glendale Galleria. (I make Valley Girl jokes. They do not land. She's 20 and not from America.)
We go to The VOID.
Two things really impressed the heck out of me at The VOID. The first was the utter lack of instructions. I mean, they instruct you on your rebel mission (in character) and other than strapping you into your VR suit and telling you to raise your hand if it malfunctions, that's about it for instructions. No directions on how it works; no directions on what to touch and what not to touch; no directions on what to actually DO. It's entirely immersive, to the point of being "suit up and play."
The second thing that impressed me was how much I was actually into it. Don't get me wrong, there was not one second that I actually BELIEVED I was a rebel infiltrating an Empire base while dressed as a stormtrooper. But I DID believe, when I stepped on the moving platform, that it was a moving platform. This thing involved every sense but taste. It looked like I was moving -- I could turn around in any direction and it looked like we were flying over the surface of a volcanic planet. It sounded like I was moving -- I heard explosions which were getting closer or growing more distant based on the direction of movement. It also felt like I was moving -- not JUST the vibration of the platform; some genius had added a heat source so the volcanic bits warmed us. And it smelled like it too -- with a touch of sulfur in just the right places. Thinking about it afterward, I'm fairly certain we weren't really moving at all, just standing there in an empty room in our VR vests/helmets on a vibrating platform, but by G-d, it didn't seem like it in the moment.
And I wish I'd done that thing with a heart rate monitor. Because -- well, AGAIN, I didn't actually believe we were going to DIE when we were outnumbered and trapped by a bunch of bad guys shooting at us, but I felt genuine frustration. Fear, in places. I'd go so far as despair, in one. At all times, I was aware that I was playing a game with Miriam, but I also believed the game ENOUGH for it to make my heart beat faster when I realized we were well and truly fucked.
Conveniently, though, we weren't. You know how certain I am that the platform didn't actually go anywhere? I am equally certain that we would have (somehow) survived that thing no matter how bad our aim or how many times we got shot.
And, I mean, we got shot a lot.
Walking out, I pondered aloud whether we'd survived due to the high quality stormtrooper armor we were wearing. "Which would make more sense," I asked, "for the empire to make its armor strong enough to withstand its weapons, or for it to make weapons powerful enough to pierce its armor?" Miriam pointed out that the weapons HAD to be strong enough to pierce the armor, because we were shooting back at the stormtroopers, and we had some (limited) success at it. (She's smart, that one.) In other words, with the same armor and the same weapons, we killed them but they couldn't kill us.
Perhaps this was traditional Stormtrooper Bad Aim.
Or maybe there was a Jedi secretly backing us up with some Force.
Otherwise, I got nothing.
Plot holes aside, it was freakin' adorable. It was more proof of concept of commercial VR game than actual commercial VR game, but it proved it. And it proved it in an everybody-wins-everybody-has-a-good-time type of way. I mean, who doesn't like facing down agents of an evil empire with a good blaster at your side?
We actually got in and out of there pretty early, so we strolled around the mall a bit. (Miriam wanted to go to the candy store. She bought Pop Rocks. I approved.) We grabbed a bite in the food court. She wanted the food court. Said she liked all the "American food" there. I asked what she wanted. She said either Five Guys or Chipotle. I told her she was eating at Five Guys. No tourist eats at Chipotle on my watch.
We sat; we talked. I told her about my 50 for 50. She told me about her college plans. She wants to study Chinese and English/American Studies. Possibly go into tourism or international relations. She wants a house. She wants to plant trees at her house. She has seedlings now - just small stems and a coupla leaves. She showed me pictures of the trees-to-be in tiny little pots. She's got a long way to go.
But she's starting.
Miriam is, demographically-speaking, unlike any of my other friends. She's 20. Just about to start college. Age-wise, she's more likely to be one of my friends' kids than my actual friend. And yet, we have quite a bit in common.
I actually met Miriam at the theatre. In London. Seeing Shakespeare. And she was visiting London, too.
I get that. I was that. I saw Shakespeare in London when I was 20, too.
The similarities end at Miriam being from Germany.
Look, Shakespeare is a little hard for an American to understand, and we're all working with what is (basically) the same language. But to get Shakespeare, to dig Shakespeare, to go to another country to see a cool production of Shakespeare when English isn't even your first language, well that gets you a few points on the Impress-Sharon-O-Meter.
Miriam travels. She stays in hostels and takes public transit and does it all on the cheap so she can see the world. She's a vegetarian at home but not when she travels because she wants to taste everything, to experience everything -- and not miss out.
She came to L.A. She's here for all of two days on the way to visit a couple more cities, and we planned to meet up. She's staying by the beach and I'm working downtown and we figured the best way to actually see each other is for her to meet me downtown after work.
Many text messages were exchanged. She's too young to rent a car, so the actual logistics of getting her to downtown involved either a ride-share (which she couldn't easily afford) or a lot of Metro trains. (Three, actually.) Many more text messages were exchanged in trying to figure out what to do. And here, I have to remind myself that she's 20, and I was 20 once, and I sometimes confused "wanting to appear unselfish" with "refusing to make a damn decision." I offer multiple choice. She chooses the Star Wars VR thing.
I am secretly pleased. I would have taken her anywhere she wanted (what with being the guest in my country and all) but the Star Wars VR thing is actually on my 50 for 50 list. I make a reservation.
Miriam successfully navigates the Metro and lands a couple blocks from my office. I meet her there and we walk to my car. I try to be a good tour guide, but the most I can think of is that we're walking by the Metro exit that always smells of urine, and (seeing as I had intentionally sent her out a different exit), it didn't seem right to point that out. The best I could do was shrug and say, "Downtown L.A. looks a lot different from the movies."
I drive us to the VR thing, which is located in the Glendale Galleria. (I make Valley Girl jokes. They do not land. She's 20 and not from America.)
We go to The VOID.
Two things really impressed the heck out of me at The VOID. The first was the utter lack of instructions. I mean, they instruct you on your rebel mission (in character) and other than strapping you into your VR suit and telling you to raise your hand if it malfunctions, that's about it for instructions. No directions on how it works; no directions on what to touch and what not to touch; no directions on what to actually DO. It's entirely immersive, to the point of being "suit up and play."
The second thing that impressed me was how much I was actually into it. Don't get me wrong, there was not one second that I actually BELIEVED I was a rebel infiltrating an Empire base while dressed as a stormtrooper. But I DID believe, when I stepped on the moving platform, that it was a moving platform. This thing involved every sense but taste. It looked like I was moving -- I could turn around in any direction and it looked like we were flying over the surface of a volcanic planet. It sounded like I was moving -- I heard explosions which were getting closer or growing more distant based on the direction of movement. It also felt like I was moving -- not JUST the vibration of the platform; some genius had added a heat source so the volcanic bits warmed us. And it smelled like it too -- with a touch of sulfur in just the right places. Thinking about it afterward, I'm fairly certain we weren't really moving at all, just standing there in an empty room in our VR vests/helmets on a vibrating platform, but by G-d, it didn't seem like it in the moment.
And I wish I'd done that thing with a heart rate monitor. Because -- well, AGAIN, I didn't actually believe we were going to DIE when we were outnumbered and trapped by a bunch of bad guys shooting at us, but I felt genuine frustration. Fear, in places. I'd go so far as despair, in one. At all times, I was aware that I was playing a game with Miriam, but I also believed the game ENOUGH for it to make my heart beat faster when I realized we were well and truly fucked.
Conveniently, though, we weren't. You know how certain I am that the platform didn't actually go anywhere? I am equally certain that we would have (somehow) survived that thing no matter how bad our aim or how many times we got shot.
And, I mean, we got shot a lot.
Walking out, I pondered aloud whether we'd survived due to the high quality stormtrooper armor we were wearing. "Which would make more sense," I asked, "for the empire to make its armor strong enough to withstand its weapons, or for it to make weapons powerful enough to pierce its armor?" Miriam pointed out that the weapons HAD to be strong enough to pierce the armor, because we were shooting back at the stormtroopers, and we had some (limited) success at it. (She's smart, that one.) In other words, with the same armor and the same weapons, we killed them but they couldn't kill us.
Perhaps this was traditional Stormtrooper Bad Aim.
Or maybe there was a Jedi secretly backing us up with some Force.
Otherwise, I got nothing.
Plot holes aside, it was freakin' adorable. It was more proof of concept of commercial VR game than actual commercial VR game, but it proved it. And it proved it in an everybody-wins-everybody-has-a-good-time type of way. I mean, who doesn't like facing down agents of an evil empire with a good blaster at your side?
We actually got in and out of there pretty early, so we strolled around the mall a bit. (Miriam wanted to go to the candy store. She bought Pop Rocks. I approved.) We grabbed a bite in the food court. She wanted the food court. Said she liked all the "American food" there. I asked what she wanted. She said either Five Guys or Chipotle. I told her she was eating at Five Guys. No tourist eats at Chipotle on my watch.
We sat; we talked. I told her about my 50 for 50. She told me about her college plans. She wants to study Chinese and English/American Studies. Possibly go into tourism or international relations. She wants a house. She wants to plant trees at her house. She has seedlings now - just small stems and a coupla leaves. She showed me pictures of the trees-to-be in tiny little pots. She's got a long way to go.
But she's starting.
Sunday, May 20, 2018
50 for 50: 35 (Take One) - Do Not Jump Out of an Airplane With Jayne
Tandem skydiving wasn't actually on the list. I had considered putting it on the list, but hadn't thought anyone would sign up for it, and I wanted a list of do-able things. What was actually on the list was "take me someplace I can't get in without you." I was thinking some sort of members only thing -- something like the Magic Castle. Or maybe even just a peek into someone else's world. When Jayne signed up for that one, I was thinking, "Deaf night at Starbucks?"
But Jayne is a nut, and she had lots of wacky things in mind. She ultimately made it multiple choice between cage diving with sharks or tandem skydiving, and I thought, "Jumping out of an airplane it is!"
I met Jayne years ago at the Pasadena Language Center. I wanted and/or needed an ASL tutor, and PLC matched me with her. Some time later, Jayne quit PLC, because they were dicking her around. They got a replacement ASL teacher (who became my teacher) and, shortly thereafter, I quit PLC because they were dicking me around. Also, the new ASL teacher was not as good as Jayne. I contacted Jayne on the side to see if she'd teach me outside of PLC, and she agreed. Since then, she has been teacher, friend, and my go-to professional photographer.
And now we're going to tandem skydive. Jayne has done this before, with an operation with "Santa Barbara" in its name, which is somewhat misleading as it is actually about an hour north of Santa Barbara in Lompoc. (But "Lompoc Skydiving" doesn't have the same ring to it.) We have to cancel the first weekend we book -- because I booked the skydive without first checking the hotels, and it turns out there was a NASA launch out of Vandenberg AFB, and if one thing is going to fill Lompoc, it's a rocket sending stuff off to Mars. So we reschedule for this weekend.
Jayne volunteers to drive (THANK YOU!) so we pack up her car and (after a stop for gas and snacks, to make this a Proper Road Trip), we head on out. We're staying in the lovely Embassy Suites in Lompoc. It's one of those hotels that, the day before, lets you look at a map of the property and pick the room you want. I see they have one room listed as "Hearing Accessible." I briefly wonder whether the terminology is right (shouldn't it be "Hearing impaired accessible?") but that's clearly the one for us, so I book it.
We arrive. The hotel has a nightly reception with free drinks and munchies, so we throw our stuff in the room and go downstairs for free wine. We hang there for several hours, and eventually just order dinner. It's our first chance to sit across from each other and really TALK. I mean, we can have some level of communication while she's driving, but it's not GOOD. She has to sign with only hand (since the other is on the wheel) and I'm not even that great at understanding two-handed signing; one-handed shorthand (so to speak) is certainly not my forte. Meantime, she has to take her eyes off the road to get what I'm saying. So we didn't have much deep communication on the road -- mostly discussing directions and traffic. But in the restaurant, we can actually talk. A friend with a young baby had recently asked me to teach her some signs so she could start using them with her kid; I mentioned this to Jayne and got a very animated lesson in what signs babies tend to learn at what age (and in what order, and how they get each sign wrong-but-close-enough). Interesting. The woman running the restaurant asks me if I learned sign language "from A to Z" and she seems awed at the idea. (And I'm thinking, "A to Z was easy; it's the whole damn vocabulary that's the hard part.")
We look at the weather for our skydive the next day. It's pleasant but windy. Winds of, like, 16-19 mph. I google the windspeeds at which you can safely skydive. I get mixed results -- some say they'll only do windspeeds under 15; others will go up to 25, but only if it's steady (no gusts). We consider the possibility that we may get cancelled on.
We go back to the room. I look around unsuccessfuly for ANYTHING that makes this a "hearing accessible" room. (Dammit; it's Atlanta with Molly all over again.) I don't even see lights on the smoke detectors. And there sure as hell isn't a light activated by the doorbell -- there's NO DOORBELL. You just have to knock. Well, THAT'LL work if the person on the inside can't hear. It's late, though, and Jayne is very "whatever" about the whole thing, so we just muddle through. At least there's closed captioning available on all TVs now. We circle channels and try to find something to watch. We go with SNL.
Fun fact: the captions on SNL lag behind the action so much, it's impossible to watch. You need to sort of remember what was on screen four lines ago and match it with what you're reading now. Utterly useless for visual jokes like in "Weekend Update," and not very helpful with a multi-person skit when you can't figure out who is talking. We give up in disgust, and watch a M*A*S*H rerun, which, at least, has perfect caption timing.
Jayne informs me that she sleeps with the curtain a bit open, because total darkness doesn't really work for Deaf people. I had never thought of this before, but I get it. Total silence and darkness must be pretty isolating.
The next morning, we get ready. I shower first then get dressed in the bedroom while Jayne is showering. She forgot the shampoo. She cannot yell, "Hey, are you decent? Can you hand me the shampoo?" The only way this works is if she knocks on the inside of the bathroom door, waits until I open it, and then sticks a hand outside and fingerspells "s-h-a-m-p-o-o." I put the little bottle in the disembodied hand, and the bathroom door closes. I kind of marvel at the ingenuity involved in her figuring out the best way to communicate in this circumstance, but also realize this is just another one of those "Deaf person getting by in a Hearing World" things I'd never even thought about.
When we are downstairs at the free breakfast (the room is kind of crap, but you can't complain about the hotel's freebies), we get the call that yes, our skydiving is cancelled because of the winds. I tell them we weren't entirely surprised, because we'd looked this up yesterday. The nice lady was totally impressed by our research, and filled me in on the details. She said they LOVE 15 mph winds from the West. Their landing zone runs East-West. What they don't like -- and what we had -- was over 15 mph coming from the North. Those are cross-winds that (and I'm quoting) "try to deflate your canopy." No, thank you. Why yes, we'd love to reschedule. We decide that since we've got to pass through Santa Barbara on our way back to L.A., we'll stop and spend the day there instead.
Checking out, I ask the lady at the desk exactly what "hearing accessible" features were in the "hearing accessible" room I'd booked, because damn if I didn't see any. I'm told that they have a kit and can SET UP the room as hearing accessible, but you have to ask for it. (And I'm thinking, "Really? The fact that I booked the room listed as 'hearing accessible' and checked in with someone with whom I was signing did not make you think maybe I wanted that shit?") They were proud of the kit. Said they had something that turned a knock on the door into a flashy light and everything. Said to ask for it next time. Well, maybe when we reschedule.
Off to Santa Barbara. Jayne had always wanted to go to the courthouse there, and was super happy to finally make it, so Courthouse Selfie!
What's cool about the Santa Barbara Courthouse is a clock tower you can go up, with nice views of the City.
See? Jayne's a photographer so she composes all the shots. She asked me to take a few pictures of her (with her phone) and she'd stand in the "photographer" position for a few minutes, holding her phone in just the right place, before handing it to me and jumping in the shot. I'm dealing with a pro.
When we left the courthouse, she was walking ahead of me, and I managed to trip over my own feet in the crosswalk. She didn't hear me trip and fall, so kept on walking, and I had to gather myself quickly and run a bit to catch up. I'm explaining what happened, and a dude comes up to us and asks me, in ASL, if I'm OK. Hey! First time I'm mistaken for a Deaf person!
We stroll/limp on over to State Street and find a nice restaurant for lunch. They'd just opened. Like, that day. Jayne had a really tasty eggplant parmesan, and I had a really tasty salmon piccata, but, when we asked, we couldn't get any bread, because they'd JUST OPENED and didn't, like, have any yet.
Guess what today was? Why it's the State Street Nationals Premier Car Show! Classic Cars up and down State Street. I channel my inner brother-in-law and we check out the vehicles. Jayne is taking all sorts of photos. I pose with the '57 Chevy because of course I do.
We stop for ice cream. (We may have planned to "check out the cars on the way to ice cream." Maybe.) There's a long line but we wait in it. We continue to chat. Dude in front of us turns around and asks (in signing worse than mine!) if we're Deaf. Jayne takes this conversation. Dude learned some ASL a few years back and wants to share the fact. It doesn't entirely go well; Jayne asks him "where" he learned -- he keeps thinking she's asking "when." I intentionally do not intervene; I only interpret for Jayne when she asks -- she is a self-sufficient individual who has incredible patience for bad signing. (Believe me, I know this. I apologize several times this weekend for using the wrong sign, or forgetting one I should totally remember. Hell, I even got "website" right when I was sure I had it wrong. Fuck me.) At the ice cream place, you can get a dish with 3 small scoops of different flavors. I ask Jayne which ones she is going to get. She tells me; I tell her my three. When we get up to order, Jayne orders by pointing. The woman behind the counter misunderstands -- Jayne is pointing at the name of the flavor and the woman thinks she's pointing at the ice cream instead (and they're different, as the ice creams are a few deep). The woman repeats it back (wrong) and THIS time, I intervene. (I mean, some dude trying to chat in long-forgotten ASL is one thing, but this is ICE CREAM we're talking about.) Jayne's order gets corrected and I wonder how many times she gets the wrong food because someone doesn't know what she's pointing at.
We finish up, drive back, and check how busy Lompoc is on various dates later this summer (must avoid Falcon 9 launch dates). And I wonder if, this weekend, Jayne didn't let me in someplace I couldn't go without her after all.
But Jayne is a nut, and she had lots of wacky things in mind. She ultimately made it multiple choice between cage diving with sharks or tandem skydiving, and I thought, "Jumping out of an airplane it is!"
I met Jayne years ago at the Pasadena Language Center. I wanted and/or needed an ASL tutor, and PLC matched me with her. Some time later, Jayne quit PLC, because they were dicking her around. They got a replacement ASL teacher (who became my teacher) and, shortly thereafter, I quit PLC because they were dicking me around. Also, the new ASL teacher was not as good as Jayne. I contacted Jayne on the side to see if she'd teach me outside of PLC, and she agreed. Since then, she has been teacher, friend, and my go-to professional photographer.
And now we're going to tandem skydive. Jayne has done this before, with an operation with "Santa Barbara" in its name, which is somewhat misleading as it is actually about an hour north of Santa Barbara in Lompoc. (But "Lompoc Skydiving" doesn't have the same ring to it.) We have to cancel the first weekend we book -- because I booked the skydive without first checking the hotels, and it turns out there was a NASA launch out of Vandenberg AFB, and if one thing is going to fill Lompoc, it's a rocket sending stuff off to Mars. So we reschedule for this weekend.
Jayne volunteers to drive (THANK YOU!) so we pack up her car and (after a stop for gas and snacks, to make this a Proper Road Trip), we head on out. We're staying in the lovely Embassy Suites in Lompoc. It's one of those hotels that, the day before, lets you look at a map of the property and pick the room you want. I see they have one room listed as "Hearing Accessible." I briefly wonder whether the terminology is right (shouldn't it be "Hearing impaired accessible?") but that's clearly the one for us, so I book it.
We arrive. The hotel has a nightly reception with free drinks and munchies, so we throw our stuff in the room and go downstairs for free wine. We hang there for several hours, and eventually just order dinner. It's our first chance to sit across from each other and really TALK. I mean, we can have some level of communication while she's driving, but it's not GOOD. She has to sign with only hand (since the other is on the wheel) and I'm not even that great at understanding two-handed signing; one-handed shorthand (so to speak) is certainly not my forte. Meantime, she has to take her eyes off the road to get what I'm saying. So we didn't have much deep communication on the road -- mostly discussing directions and traffic. But in the restaurant, we can actually talk. A friend with a young baby had recently asked me to teach her some signs so she could start using them with her kid; I mentioned this to Jayne and got a very animated lesson in what signs babies tend to learn at what age (and in what order, and how they get each sign wrong-but-close-enough). Interesting. The woman running the restaurant asks me if I learned sign language "from A to Z" and she seems awed at the idea. (And I'm thinking, "A to Z was easy; it's the whole damn vocabulary that's the hard part.")
We look at the weather for our skydive the next day. It's pleasant but windy. Winds of, like, 16-19 mph. I google the windspeeds at which you can safely skydive. I get mixed results -- some say they'll only do windspeeds under 15; others will go up to 25, but only if it's steady (no gusts). We consider the possibility that we may get cancelled on.
We go back to the room. I look around unsuccessfuly for ANYTHING that makes this a "hearing accessible" room. (Dammit; it's Atlanta with Molly all over again.) I don't even see lights on the smoke detectors. And there sure as hell isn't a light activated by the doorbell -- there's NO DOORBELL. You just have to knock. Well, THAT'LL work if the person on the inside can't hear. It's late, though, and Jayne is very "whatever" about the whole thing, so we just muddle through. At least there's closed captioning available on all TVs now. We circle channels and try to find something to watch. We go with SNL.
Fun fact: the captions on SNL lag behind the action so much, it's impossible to watch. You need to sort of remember what was on screen four lines ago and match it with what you're reading now. Utterly useless for visual jokes like in "Weekend Update," and not very helpful with a multi-person skit when you can't figure out who is talking. We give up in disgust, and watch a M*A*S*H rerun, which, at least, has perfect caption timing.
Jayne informs me that she sleeps with the curtain a bit open, because total darkness doesn't really work for Deaf people. I had never thought of this before, but I get it. Total silence and darkness must be pretty isolating.
The next morning, we get ready. I shower first then get dressed in the bedroom while Jayne is showering. She forgot the shampoo. She cannot yell, "Hey, are you decent? Can you hand me the shampoo?" The only way this works is if she knocks on the inside of the bathroom door, waits until I open it, and then sticks a hand outside and fingerspells "s-h-a-m-p-o-o." I put the little bottle in the disembodied hand, and the bathroom door closes. I kind of marvel at the ingenuity involved in her figuring out the best way to communicate in this circumstance, but also realize this is just another one of those "Deaf person getting by in a Hearing World" things I'd never even thought about.
When we are downstairs at the free breakfast (the room is kind of crap, but you can't complain about the hotel's freebies), we get the call that yes, our skydiving is cancelled because of the winds. I tell them we weren't entirely surprised, because we'd looked this up yesterday. The nice lady was totally impressed by our research, and filled me in on the details. She said they LOVE 15 mph winds from the West. Their landing zone runs East-West. What they don't like -- and what we had -- was over 15 mph coming from the North. Those are cross-winds that (and I'm quoting) "try to deflate your canopy." No, thank you. Why yes, we'd love to reschedule. We decide that since we've got to pass through Santa Barbara on our way back to L.A., we'll stop and spend the day there instead.
Checking out, I ask the lady at the desk exactly what "hearing accessible" features were in the "hearing accessible" room I'd booked, because damn if I didn't see any. I'm told that they have a kit and can SET UP the room as hearing accessible, but you have to ask for it. (And I'm thinking, "Really? The fact that I booked the room listed as 'hearing accessible' and checked in with someone with whom I was signing did not make you think maybe I wanted that shit?") They were proud of the kit. Said they had something that turned a knock on the door into a flashy light and everything. Said to ask for it next time. Well, maybe when we reschedule.
Off to Santa Barbara. Jayne had always wanted to go to the courthouse there, and was super happy to finally make it, so Courthouse Selfie!
What's cool about the Santa Barbara Courthouse is a clock tower you can go up, with nice views of the City.
See? Jayne's a photographer so she composes all the shots. She asked me to take a few pictures of her (with her phone) and she'd stand in the "photographer" position for a few minutes, holding her phone in just the right place, before handing it to me and jumping in the shot. I'm dealing with a pro.
When we left the courthouse, she was walking ahead of me, and I managed to trip over my own feet in the crosswalk. She didn't hear me trip and fall, so kept on walking, and I had to gather myself quickly and run a bit to catch up. I'm explaining what happened, and a dude comes up to us and asks me, in ASL, if I'm OK. Hey! First time I'm mistaken for a Deaf person!
We stroll/limp on over to State Street and find a nice restaurant for lunch. They'd just opened. Like, that day. Jayne had a really tasty eggplant parmesan, and I had a really tasty salmon piccata, but, when we asked, we couldn't get any bread, because they'd JUST OPENED and didn't, like, have any yet.
Guess what today was? Why it's the State Street Nationals Premier Car Show! Classic Cars up and down State Street. I channel my inner brother-in-law and we check out the vehicles. Jayne is taking all sorts of photos. I pose with the '57 Chevy because of course I do.
We stop for ice cream. (We may have planned to "check out the cars on the way to ice cream." Maybe.) There's a long line but we wait in it. We continue to chat. Dude in front of us turns around and asks (in signing worse than mine!) if we're Deaf. Jayne takes this conversation. Dude learned some ASL a few years back and wants to share the fact. It doesn't entirely go well; Jayne asks him "where" he learned -- he keeps thinking she's asking "when." I intentionally do not intervene; I only interpret for Jayne when she asks -- she is a self-sufficient individual who has incredible patience for bad signing. (Believe me, I know this. I apologize several times this weekend for using the wrong sign, or forgetting one I should totally remember. Hell, I even got "website" right when I was sure I had it wrong. Fuck me.) At the ice cream place, you can get a dish with 3 small scoops of different flavors. I ask Jayne which ones she is going to get. She tells me; I tell her my three. When we get up to order, Jayne orders by pointing. The woman behind the counter misunderstands -- Jayne is pointing at the name of the flavor and the woman thinks she's pointing at the ice cream instead (and they're different, as the ice creams are a few deep). The woman repeats it back (wrong) and THIS time, I intervene. (I mean, some dude trying to chat in long-forgotten ASL is one thing, but this is ICE CREAM we're talking about.) Jayne's order gets corrected and I wonder how many times she gets the wrong food because someone doesn't know what she's pointing at.
We finish up, drive back, and check how busy Lompoc is on various dates later this summer (must avoid Falcon 9 launch dates). And I wonder if, this weekend, Jayne didn't let me in someplace I couldn't go without her after all.
Sunday, April 22, 2018
50 for 50: 34 - Jump Off the Stratosphere with Heatherlynn
As I've gone along with the "50 for 50" project, I've made some modifications to the list on the fly. I've eliminated some things that have been really problematic to book (I'm looking at you, Pan Am Experience) and added some things which I hadn't previously included because I'd figured there was lack of interest. Which brings me around to Jumping Off the Stratosphere with Heatherlynn. I was super excited to add this one to the list, both because of Jumping Off the Stratosphere and because of Heatherlynn.
It's hard to make friends as a grown-up. I mean, it's easy when they're work colleagues, but it's kind of challenging when you just run across someone and think, "You're cool; I'd like to hang out with you."
I first met Heatherlynn when I was (co-)producing the LA Drama Critics Circle Awards Show one year. We were having trouble finding someone to join our All Volunteer Crew as a stage manager (can't imagine why), and someone suggested we contact Heatherlynn. Heatherlynn was a godsend (or a goddess-send). I mean, just envision us desperate for someone to stage manage this show for free, and to contact Heatherlynn and have her not ONLY agree, but ask if we need an ASM, too. She also had a spot operator. And knew a bartender. We felt like we hit the bloody jackpot.
But this was nothing compared to what happened day of show when shit went wrong. (Because it's a show. Shit goes wrong.) As per usual, I'd planned a schedule of everything I had to do, and I was running behind schedule and people weren't doing what they needed to do to help and I was kind of overwhelmed by the sheer size of everything that wasn't getting done and very close to being paralyzed by not knowing what damn thing to do first and Heatherlynn -- whom I must have known in person for all of ten minutes -- just took control and said we're going to set up THESE TABLES over HERE and then we're going to unpack THOSE BAGS and THESE PEOPLE are going to PUT THE AUCTION on the tables and then YOU AND I are going to go over HERE and do this OTHER THING. And I felt myself being managed and I felt myself LET THIS PERSON MANAGE ME. And around this time she mentioned that she's also a court reporter and I took comfort in the fact that she knows lawyers and knows theatre and is intentionally oozing COMPETENCE because that is the one fucking thing that I will respond to.
Heatherlynn pretty much had my number within the first ten minutes of meeting me; and I like to think I'm pretty complicated and that this particular act of understanding is pretty extraordinary.
And over the years since then, I've worked with her on a few more Awards shows, and seen her at others, and run into her at a social event, and every time it seems we've had more common interests and similar war stories; and she and her wife came to my Girly Holiday Tea, but it's still not like we grab dinner or actually Do Shit Together because, really, when you're of an age that you can't just ask if Heatherlynn can come out and play, starting friendship is hard.
And around this time, I'm commenting that, as much as I'd LIKE to jump of the Stratosphere, none of my friends or family want to jump off the Stratosphere with me. And Heatherlynn comments that she's done it THREE DAMN TIMES already, and is willing to do a fourth, and I say that we should totally do that together, and she says yeah, and I'm thinking this is probably one of those things you just say but don't really do; but I'm all "fuck it, I really want to do this," so we start throwing around dates and pricing flights and next thing you know Heatherlynn and I are flying to Vegas for a quick weekend just to jump off the Stratosphere. I'm kind of bouncy about the whole thing.
We meet at the airport after work on Friday and this is extremely easy because we somehow independently make it through security simultaneously, so she's standing on the escalator right in front of me on the way to the gates. We got in to Vegas pretty late, checked in our hotel, and grabbed a late dinner. It's all about Saturday.
Saturday morning, we grab a quick breakfast and head out to the Stratosphere for jumping off purposes. Here's a picture of me, with the nice Jump Assisty Person, standing on the Jump Platform.
Now, Heatherlynn had done this plenty of times before, so she went first. There's no picture of us together on the Jump Platform because they're VERY PARTICULAR about one customer at a time. (And they're SUPER PARTICULAR about safety. And if there's anything they're more particular about than your safety, it's that you have nothing loose on you which might -- unintentionally or otherwise -- separate from your person and ride gravity all the way down. So it's one at a time out there and your cell phone is back in the locker and we need to check your shoeloaces again.) So I'm outside the glass-walled booth and I watch Heatherlynn do the security checks and I throw her a thumbs-up and she's flying off the building, and I know she's landed because I see the cable slow and none of the Jump Assisty People are freaking out or calling 911 or saying, "clean-up on the bullseye" or anything, so I'm pretty sure it's all good.
And then it's my turn and I jump off the Stratosphere.
And they gave me a certificate to prove it, but I left it at lunch so you'll just have to believe me.
Ha ha, kidding. Heatherlynn made me buy the video.
And THEN we visited a friend of hers who has a theatre out there. And THEN we went to the Viva Las Vegas Rockabilly Festival (because it's FUN) and went in the vendor room and I tried on a bunch of cute clothes and ended up buying a skirt from the bargain bin and some super cute shoes from the Not At All A Bargain bin. And Heatherlynn bought a cute outfit and a really sweet purse. So, the Viva Las Vegas Rockabilly Festival did pretty good by us.
And then we went back to the hotel and changed for dinner, which was at a REALLY nice steakhouse in the Hard Rock. So after jumping off a building like we were 12, we then sat down to a lovely dinner like we're grown-ups or something, and had spectacularly tasty steaks, with creamy mushroom grits, and good drinks, and TWO desserts (because we wanted the creme brulee, but the manager talked us into ordering the chocolate cake, so we ordered the chocolate cake, and he brought us the creme brulee, too, gratis -- and he was right, because the creme brulee was tasty, but OMG, THE CHOCOLATE CAKE WAS TOUCHED BY HEAVEN). Seriously, man, Heatherlynn said she could envision herself driving out to Vegas some day JUST for the chocolate cake, and I couldn't entirely disagree. Was pretty glad I wore the larger of my two dresses, because Holy Fuck, That Cake.
And we must have sat there for two hours just enjoying the eats and the conversation and really getting to know each other. And I felt all validated that my suspicions that Heatherlynn is a genuinely cool individual were confirmed.
It's hard to make friends as a grown-up. I mean, it's easy when they're work colleagues, but it's kind of challenging when you just run across someone and think, "You're cool; I'd like to hang out with you."
I first met Heatherlynn when I was (co-)producing the LA Drama Critics Circle Awards Show one year. We were having trouble finding someone to join our All Volunteer Crew as a stage manager (can't imagine why), and someone suggested we contact Heatherlynn. Heatherlynn was a godsend (or a goddess-send). I mean, just envision us desperate for someone to stage manage this show for free, and to contact Heatherlynn and have her not ONLY agree, but ask if we need an ASM, too. She also had a spot operator. And knew a bartender. We felt like we hit the bloody jackpot.
But this was nothing compared to what happened day of show when shit went wrong. (Because it's a show. Shit goes wrong.) As per usual, I'd planned a schedule of everything I had to do, and I was running behind schedule and people weren't doing what they needed to do to help and I was kind of overwhelmed by the sheer size of everything that wasn't getting done and very close to being paralyzed by not knowing what damn thing to do first and Heatherlynn -- whom I must have known in person for all of ten minutes -- just took control and said we're going to set up THESE TABLES over HERE and then we're going to unpack THOSE BAGS and THESE PEOPLE are going to PUT THE AUCTION on the tables and then YOU AND I are going to go over HERE and do this OTHER THING. And I felt myself being managed and I felt myself LET THIS PERSON MANAGE ME. And around this time she mentioned that she's also a court reporter and I took comfort in the fact that she knows lawyers and knows theatre and is intentionally oozing COMPETENCE because that is the one fucking thing that I will respond to.
Heatherlynn pretty much had my number within the first ten minutes of meeting me; and I like to think I'm pretty complicated and that this particular act of understanding is pretty extraordinary.
And over the years since then, I've worked with her on a few more Awards shows, and seen her at others, and run into her at a social event, and every time it seems we've had more common interests and similar war stories; and she and her wife came to my Girly Holiday Tea, but it's still not like we grab dinner or actually Do Shit Together because, really, when you're of an age that you can't just ask if Heatherlynn can come out and play, starting friendship is hard.
And around this time, I'm commenting that, as much as I'd LIKE to jump of the Stratosphere, none of my friends or family want to jump off the Stratosphere with me. And Heatherlynn comments that she's done it THREE DAMN TIMES already, and is willing to do a fourth, and I say that we should totally do that together, and she says yeah, and I'm thinking this is probably one of those things you just say but don't really do; but I'm all "fuck it, I really want to do this," so we start throwing around dates and pricing flights and next thing you know Heatherlynn and I are flying to Vegas for a quick weekend just to jump off the Stratosphere. I'm kind of bouncy about the whole thing.
We meet at the airport after work on Friday and this is extremely easy because we somehow independently make it through security simultaneously, so she's standing on the escalator right in front of me on the way to the gates. We got in to Vegas pretty late, checked in our hotel, and grabbed a late dinner. It's all about Saturday.
Saturday morning, we grab a quick breakfast and head out to the Stratosphere for jumping off purposes. Here's a picture of me, with the nice Jump Assisty Person, standing on the Jump Platform.
Now, Heatherlynn had done this plenty of times before, so she went first. There's no picture of us together on the Jump Platform because they're VERY PARTICULAR about one customer at a time. (And they're SUPER PARTICULAR about safety. And if there's anything they're more particular about than your safety, it's that you have nothing loose on you which might -- unintentionally or otherwise -- separate from your person and ride gravity all the way down. So it's one at a time out there and your cell phone is back in the locker and we need to check your shoeloaces again.) So I'm outside the glass-walled booth and I watch Heatherlynn do the security checks and I throw her a thumbs-up and she's flying off the building, and I know she's landed because I see the cable slow and none of the Jump Assisty People are freaking out or calling 911 or saying, "clean-up on the bullseye" or anything, so I'm pretty sure it's all good.
And then it's my turn and I jump off the Stratosphere.
And they gave me a certificate to prove it, but I left it at lunch so you'll just have to believe me.
Ha ha, kidding. Heatherlynn made me buy the video.
And THEN we visited a friend of hers who has a theatre out there. And THEN we went to the Viva Las Vegas Rockabilly Festival (because it's FUN) and went in the vendor room and I tried on a bunch of cute clothes and ended up buying a skirt from the bargain bin and some super cute shoes from the Not At All A Bargain bin. And Heatherlynn bought a cute outfit and a really sweet purse. So, the Viva Las Vegas Rockabilly Festival did pretty good by us.
And then we went back to the hotel and changed for dinner, which was at a REALLY nice steakhouse in the Hard Rock. So after jumping off a building like we were 12, we then sat down to a lovely dinner like we're grown-ups or something, and had spectacularly tasty steaks, with creamy mushroom grits, and good drinks, and TWO desserts (because we wanted the creme brulee, but the manager talked us into ordering the chocolate cake, so we ordered the chocolate cake, and he brought us the creme brulee, too, gratis -- and he was right, because the creme brulee was tasty, but OMG, THE CHOCOLATE CAKE WAS TOUCHED BY HEAVEN). Seriously, man, Heatherlynn said she could envision herself driving out to Vegas some day JUST for the chocolate cake, and I couldn't entirely disagree. Was pretty glad I wore the larger of my two dresses, because Holy Fuck, That Cake.
And we must have sat there for two hours just enjoying the eats and the conversation and really getting to know each other. And I felt all validated that my suspicions that Heatherlynn is a genuinely cool individual were confirmed.
Saturday, March 24, 2018
50 for 50: 33 - Scavenger Hunt with Richard and Sarah
Two months? Really? It's been two months since my last 50 for 50? DAMN. I better get on this.
I put "City Scavenger Hunt" on the list, because this was something I've been wanting to do for months, if not years. I keep seeing them on Groupon -- or, when I'm in a new city, TripAdvisor -- and they seem like a fun way to learn about someplace new. Or to just solve fun clues and be competitive. I'm flexible on that.
Sarah and Richard signed up to do this one together -- which was a great idea, because a team of three is way better than a team of two for one of these things. Sarah and Richard are friends of mine from work. Richard is retired now (lucky) but we still keep in touch -- usually giving each other theatre advice for upcoming Broadway trips. Sarah is still at the office with me. (We were comparing notes, and I've been there something like six months longer than she has. We're still hoping we'll get parking in the building before it's time to retire.) We used to work in the same Division, but I switched a few years ago after my boss died, so don't see her as often as I used to.
(We ... we have a tradition, Sarah and I. When one of us is having a SPECTACULARLY shitty day -- like, say, when my boss passed away -- we go out for lunch. But not just any lunch. We go to Big Man Bakes, order a dozen mini-cupcakes, and drown our sorrows in carbs and frosting. And while I really, truly would be super happy if we never had to do THAT again, I know that if I ever drop her an "I need a cupcake lunch" e-mail, she'll be right there with me at Big Man Bakes, and I'd do the same for her, no questions asked.)
Where was I? Oh, right, Scavenger Hunt. We selected this weekend MONTHS ago, and Sarah booked us for a hunt, and we hadn't quite put together that this would be the March for Our Lives day. So we sent our love and support to the marchers, and found ourselves on a scavenger hunt at the L.A. County Museum of Art (LACMA, to its friends).
We weren't entirely certain if we would be, like, the only people there that day -- or if there'd be, like, 100 people there. Turns out there were about 5 teams, which seemed a pretty good number. Particularly since they staggered us through the clue list. (We started with Clue 1, another group started with Clue 6, and so forth.) This meant that we shouldn't run into other groups in the museum, which would enable us to just talk out loud amongst our trio, and save us all of those Mind Games you play when you want to mislead another group that happens to be in the same gallery as you are.
At least, that's how it was SUPPOSED to go. By the time we were on Clue 5, another team caught up with us. (I think they had started at 21. There were 22 clues. So, I mean, they didn't have TOO many to make up to catch up to us. But still.) Clue 5 was a fucking BEAR. (Not an actual fucking bear. It wasn't that kind of museum.) But, basically, each clue would give you an actual gallery number, and once you were in the gallery, the clue would describe one of the works of art (in a humorous, arch way which would not enable you to Google it), and once you figured out the art in question, you'd then have to answer a question about it. (And once you got THAT answer, there would be two letters in it highlighted, and those two letters would be turned into a word, which was part of the "secret message," and once you figured out the secret message, you'd get another secret message, and ... whatever, just find the damn cocoa cups, OK?) So, here was are, working Clue 5. We'd gotten 1-4 and we knew they were correct, and we were getting nowhere on Clue 5. We looked at every damn piece of art in the room and none of them were matching the description -- and, NOW, the other team caught up with us. Shit, shit, shit.
To be fair, I probably would not have given up if the other team wasn't there. But the other team WAS there, and we wanted to keep ahead, and we also wanted them to think we'd gotten it (even though we hadn't), so, hell, Mind Games on! Let's pretend we got it and move on.
We moved on. Somewhere around Clue 8, they caught up with us again. Clue 8 was hard, and we hadn't solved it by the time they got there. We had been pretty sure we knew what painting it was referring to, but we couldn't make any of the answers fit (they didn't correspond to words that made sense in the secret message), so we were just coming around to the idea that maybe we were looking at the wrong painting. I decided to take a quick spin around the room and thought I saw a Second Candidate for the right painting, but it would require a lot of really obvious staring for me to figure out the answer to the question. And there was Other Team, just entering the room, and I'll be damned if they're going to ride off my hard work on this one and see me staring at Second Candidate and get the answer right after I walked away. So I go stand over by a THIRD painting, call Sarah and Richard over, and tell them to take a brief stroll around the room, including what I think they should look at on Second Painting, while I go back and stare and First (Wrong) Painting and pretend to have an epiphany.
This works! They casually look at Second Painting, come back to me over by First Painting (where, I realize, I am standing oh-so-casually with my finger on my chin to simulate deep thought, and I wonder if I am actually fooling anyone with this), and they have the actual right answer from Second Painting, and we move on -- hopefully, leaving the other team none the wiser.
Sarah, Richard and I are a good team. Sarah has a good eye and spots a lot of details I miss. Richard, too, spots some things super-quickly -- once or twice making a beeline for the right work of art while I'm standing there in the middle of the room wondering where to begin. (He also spots a HUGE error I made, in reading a clue too quickly.) My contribution appears to be largely in solving pop culture references in the clues. We run pretty well through the rest of the clues until 16.
Fuck Clue 16. Honestly. We are very nearly out of time, and we can't solve this. We might have been idiots on Clue 5, but we're pretty sure Clue 16 is just wrong. There are four possible candidates in the room which can be the painting they mean, and it is very clearly none of them. And I mean, even though we can tell from the description that it's none of them, we try all the answers anyway, and none of them work. Clue 16 is just wrong. We're ticked that we can't solve it. We are ESPECIALLY ticked that we can't solve it, because you know that second secret message which you need to solve the whole thing? THAT is dependent on six of the clues, and 16 is the last of them. We might be able to fake our way around 5, but not solving 16 means we lose. We know this. After we've gotten as far Clue 20, we have ten minutes left and two choices: we can go to another building in the museum to solve 21 and 22, or go back and try for 16 again. We go back and try for 16 again, because it is critically important. We still can't solve it.
We go back to turn in our answer sheet, defeated. On the way, I realize that we can solve 22 without looking at the painting at all -- THAT one can be reverse-engineered. OK, we're missing 5, 16, and 21 -- that's three out of 22. But if we had 16, we could solve the second message and get, like, 8 more points. Did I say "Fuck 16" yet? Fuck 16, man.
We get to the turn-in point and have five minutes left. Clue 16 is supposed to give us the 6th character in a password we have to use on the internet. Well, fuck it. We've got four minutes (now), I whip out my phone and try to brute force it. I try about half the alphabet before time runs out. I do not get it. (There are two reasons for this: (1) I didn't get to the right letter; (2) in my rush, I had copied another letter wrong. The amount I contributed to this team outweighed the amount of mistakes I made, but I was starting to feel like it was a close call.)
There was a free extra point for the best team name. I thought we had a shot -- we went with "LACMAma, Can You Hear Me?" -- but the quizmaster gave the point to the team that came in last anyway. Fair enough. THEN the quizmaster told us that NOBODY solved it, so I started feeling a little better about our chances. I mean, if nobody got any of those extra solving-it points, it really came down to how many of those 22 clues everyone got.
Quizmaster runs through the scores from bottom to top, and eventually says that two teams got 18 and one team got 19, at which point I'm thinking, "well, we ANSWERED 19 -- did we actually get them right and win this fucking thing?"
Why yes, yes we did.
Cheesy medals and everything.
We're psyched.
We're also still ticked about 5 and 16. Quizmaster has given us an answer sheet (including the names of the paintings in question) and we're pretty sure those paintings weren't on the walls -- at least, not in the rooms they were supposed to be in. We take the answers and go back into the museum to confirm this.
That's right. We already WON, but we will still not be satisfied until we've either figured out where we went wrong or proven that the museum rotated the art out. I point this out to Sarah and Richard. They respond that it is precisely this quality which is why we all went to Law School. (I also noted that the only thing that kept us from a three-way tie was that I'd reverse-engineered that last answer. Which makes me feel better about the two things I'd really screwed up.)
Long story slightly less long: Those paintings were not there. I mean, now that we had the titles of the paintings, we could Google them, look at the pictures, and stand in the relevant galleries and go, "Nope. That is not on these walls." We text this fun fact to the quizmaster, who cheerfully responds that he knows the paintings were there because other teams got those answers right. I roll my eyes and think, "Yeah, well, I figured out 22 without even walking into that BUILDING. Doesn't prove the damn art is there." We decide to just enjoy our medals and let it go. Because we're gracious winners and all that.
Sarah and Richard took me out for Birthday Dinner afterward, which was really cool because we'd had a good time in the Scavenger Hunt, but we were so busy solving clues (and getting pissed off at 16), we didn't have time to chat much. So we sat in a lovely restaurant attached to the museum, ate tasty food, gossiped a bit, and got caught up on each other's lives.
It was definitely a grown-up dinner (the menu had lots of words I didn't understand, and wine was involved); but I think what was the most fun about it was that we were proudly wearing our Scavenger Hunt medals while we ate. I mean, we went right from doing the playful game into the adult dinner, and I love both things. And I love that Sarah and Richard both enjoyed doing both things just as much.
I put "City Scavenger Hunt" on the list, because this was something I've been wanting to do for months, if not years. I keep seeing them on Groupon -- or, when I'm in a new city, TripAdvisor -- and they seem like a fun way to learn about someplace new. Or to just solve fun clues and be competitive. I'm flexible on that.
Sarah and Richard signed up to do this one together -- which was a great idea, because a team of three is way better than a team of two for one of these things. Sarah and Richard are friends of mine from work. Richard is retired now (lucky) but we still keep in touch -- usually giving each other theatre advice for upcoming Broadway trips. Sarah is still at the office with me. (We were comparing notes, and I've been there something like six months longer than she has. We're still hoping we'll get parking in the building before it's time to retire.) We used to work in the same Division, but I switched a few years ago after my boss died, so don't see her as often as I used to.
(We ... we have a tradition, Sarah and I. When one of us is having a SPECTACULARLY shitty day -- like, say, when my boss passed away -- we go out for lunch. But not just any lunch. We go to Big Man Bakes, order a dozen mini-cupcakes, and drown our sorrows in carbs and frosting. And while I really, truly would be super happy if we never had to do THAT again, I know that if I ever drop her an "I need a cupcake lunch" e-mail, she'll be right there with me at Big Man Bakes, and I'd do the same for her, no questions asked.)
Where was I? Oh, right, Scavenger Hunt. We selected this weekend MONTHS ago, and Sarah booked us for a hunt, and we hadn't quite put together that this would be the March for Our Lives day. So we sent our love and support to the marchers, and found ourselves on a scavenger hunt at the L.A. County Museum of Art (LACMA, to its friends).
We weren't entirely certain if we would be, like, the only people there that day -- or if there'd be, like, 100 people there. Turns out there were about 5 teams, which seemed a pretty good number. Particularly since they staggered us through the clue list. (We started with Clue 1, another group started with Clue 6, and so forth.) This meant that we shouldn't run into other groups in the museum, which would enable us to just talk out loud amongst our trio, and save us all of those Mind Games you play when you want to mislead another group that happens to be in the same gallery as you are.
At least, that's how it was SUPPOSED to go. By the time we were on Clue 5, another team caught up with us. (I think they had started at 21. There were 22 clues. So, I mean, they didn't have TOO many to make up to catch up to us. But still.) Clue 5 was a fucking BEAR. (Not an actual fucking bear. It wasn't that kind of museum.) But, basically, each clue would give you an actual gallery number, and once you were in the gallery, the clue would describe one of the works of art (in a humorous, arch way which would not enable you to Google it), and once you figured out the art in question, you'd then have to answer a question about it. (And once you got THAT answer, there would be two letters in it highlighted, and those two letters would be turned into a word, which was part of the "secret message," and once you figured out the secret message, you'd get another secret message, and ... whatever, just find the damn cocoa cups, OK?) So, here was are, working Clue 5. We'd gotten 1-4 and we knew they were correct, and we were getting nowhere on Clue 5. We looked at every damn piece of art in the room and none of them were matching the description -- and, NOW, the other team caught up with us. Shit, shit, shit.
To be fair, I probably would not have given up if the other team wasn't there. But the other team WAS there, and we wanted to keep ahead, and we also wanted them to think we'd gotten it (even though we hadn't), so, hell, Mind Games on! Let's pretend we got it and move on.
We moved on. Somewhere around Clue 8, they caught up with us again. Clue 8 was hard, and we hadn't solved it by the time they got there. We had been pretty sure we knew what painting it was referring to, but we couldn't make any of the answers fit (they didn't correspond to words that made sense in the secret message), so we were just coming around to the idea that maybe we were looking at the wrong painting. I decided to take a quick spin around the room and thought I saw a Second Candidate for the right painting, but it would require a lot of really obvious staring for me to figure out the answer to the question. And there was Other Team, just entering the room, and I'll be damned if they're going to ride off my hard work on this one and see me staring at Second Candidate and get the answer right after I walked away. So I go stand over by a THIRD painting, call Sarah and Richard over, and tell them to take a brief stroll around the room, including what I think they should look at on Second Painting, while I go back and stare and First (Wrong) Painting and pretend to have an epiphany.
This works! They casually look at Second Painting, come back to me over by First Painting (where, I realize, I am standing oh-so-casually with my finger on my chin to simulate deep thought, and I wonder if I am actually fooling anyone with this), and they have the actual right answer from Second Painting, and we move on -- hopefully, leaving the other team none the wiser.
Sarah, Richard and I are a good team. Sarah has a good eye and spots a lot of details I miss. Richard, too, spots some things super-quickly -- once or twice making a beeline for the right work of art while I'm standing there in the middle of the room wondering where to begin. (He also spots a HUGE error I made, in reading a clue too quickly.) My contribution appears to be largely in solving pop culture references in the clues. We run pretty well through the rest of the clues until 16.
Fuck Clue 16. Honestly. We are very nearly out of time, and we can't solve this. We might have been idiots on Clue 5, but we're pretty sure Clue 16 is just wrong. There are four possible candidates in the room which can be the painting they mean, and it is very clearly none of them. And I mean, even though we can tell from the description that it's none of them, we try all the answers anyway, and none of them work. Clue 16 is just wrong. We're ticked that we can't solve it. We are ESPECIALLY ticked that we can't solve it, because you know that second secret message which you need to solve the whole thing? THAT is dependent on six of the clues, and 16 is the last of them. We might be able to fake our way around 5, but not solving 16 means we lose. We know this. After we've gotten as far Clue 20, we have ten minutes left and two choices: we can go to another building in the museum to solve 21 and 22, or go back and try for 16 again. We go back and try for 16 again, because it is critically important. We still can't solve it.
We go back to turn in our answer sheet, defeated. On the way, I realize that we can solve 22 without looking at the painting at all -- THAT one can be reverse-engineered. OK, we're missing 5, 16, and 21 -- that's three out of 22. But if we had 16, we could solve the second message and get, like, 8 more points. Did I say "Fuck 16" yet? Fuck 16, man.
We get to the turn-in point and have five minutes left. Clue 16 is supposed to give us the 6th character in a password we have to use on the internet. Well, fuck it. We've got four minutes (now), I whip out my phone and try to brute force it. I try about half the alphabet before time runs out. I do not get it. (There are two reasons for this: (1) I didn't get to the right letter; (2) in my rush, I had copied another letter wrong. The amount I contributed to this team outweighed the amount of mistakes I made, but I was starting to feel like it was a close call.)
There was a free extra point for the best team name. I thought we had a shot -- we went with "LACMAma, Can You Hear Me?" -- but the quizmaster gave the point to the team that came in last anyway. Fair enough. THEN the quizmaster told us that NOBODY solved it, so I started feeling a little better about our chances. I mean, if nobody got any of those extra solving-it points, it really came down to how many of those 22 clues everyone got.
Quizmaster runs through the scores from bottom to top, and eventually says that two teams got 18 and one team got 19, at which point I'm thinking, "well, we ANSWERED 19 -- did we actually get them right and win this fucking thing?"
Why yes, yes we did.
Cheesy medals and everything.
We're psyched.
We're also still ticked about 5 and 16. Quizmaster has given us an answer sheet (including the names of the paintings in question) and we're pretty sure those paintings weren't on the walls -- at least, not in the rooms they were supposed to be in. We take the answers and go back into the museum to confirm this.
That's right. We already WON, but we will still not be satisfied until we've either figured out where we went wrong or proven that the museum rotated the art out. I point this out to Sarah and Richard. They respond that it is precisely this quality which is why we all went to Law School. (I also noted that the only thing that kept us from a three-way tie was that I'd reverse-engineered that last answer. Which makes me feel better about the two things I'd really screwed up.)
Long story slightly less long: Those paintings were not there. I mean, now that we had the titles of the paintings, we could Google them, look at the pictures, and stand in the relevant galleries and go, "Nope. That is not on these walls." We text this fun fact to the quizmaster, who cheerfully responds that he knows the paintings were there because other teams got those answers right. I roll my eyes and think, "Yeah, well, I figured out 22 without even walking into that BUILDING. Doesn't prove the damn art is there." We decide to just enjoy our medals and let it go. Because we're gracious winners and all that.
Sarah and Richard took me out for Birthday Dinner afterward, which was really cool because we'd had a good time in the Scavenger Hunt, but we were so busy solving clues (and getting pissed off at 16), we didn't have time to chat much. So we sat in a lovely restaurant attached to the museum, ate tasty food, gossiped a bit, and got caught up on each other's lives.
It was definitely a grown-up dinner (the menu had lots of words I didn't understand, and wine was involved); but I think what was the most fun about it was that we were proudly wearing our Scavenger Hunt medals while we ate. I mean, we went right from doing the playful game into the adult dinner, and I love both things. And I love that Sarah and Richard both enjoyed doing both things just as much.
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