The Newspaper

I've owned the house for over a month now -- and have made daily visits before I physically moved in. All this time, there has been no newspaper delivery. This is a good thing as I do not want the newspaper.

Yesterday: Newspaper.

I figured this was a mistake.

Today: Newspaper.

I call the LA Times. Their recording puts me on hold and says I can talk to an agent as soon as I give them my phone number. (I am not falling for that. I don't have an account with them, so they don't have my phone number. And giving them my phone number is an invitation to being taken off their Do Not Call list.) The system puts me on hold and then (in the time-honored tradition of computerized customer service) hangs up on me.

I call again. I again refuse to give my number. They give me an agent. He asks for my number. I tell him he does not need my number. He asks for my subscription info. "Aha!" I say, "I'm not a subscriber, but you've been giving me the paper. Stop giving me the paper. I don't want it and I'm not paying for it." He asks for my address. I give it to him. He asks for my name; I figure he can have that, too.

He says the account is in the name of the previous owners. I point out that they've moved over a month ago and there hasn't been paper delivered here during that time. OK, he says, he can cancel the paper on May 10 -- it's paid through May 10.

No. Cancel it now. I don't want it. It's just more junk for me to throw out, and my recycling bin is overflowing as it is. Stop sending me the papers.

He'll have to get a supervisor.

The supervisor gets on and says the papers are paid up through May 10, but he can give me a better deal on the paper than the previous owner.

I shake my head sadly and repeat that I DON'T WANT THE PAPER. I WANT THE PAPER CANCELLED. STOP SENDING ME THE PAPER.

He can cancel as early as Monday. OK, fine.

"What do you want to do with the remaining papers? Would you like to donate them to a school?"

My eyes roll, involuntarily. I am tempted to tell him exactly what he can do with the remaining papers.

"I don't care what you do with the papers. They're not mine. I haven't paid for them. Do whatever you want with them."

He gets the message and wishes me a nice day.