My "Spare Time" Goal

In my spare time, I'm working on accomplishing the apparently unachievable:  I want to be a guest on The Colbert Report.

And, indeed, now seems like the time to strike (so to speak).  Due to the absence of writers, Stephen is generally having two guests per episode, rather than the usual one.  And since there are fewer available guests (when we exclude those who will not cross the picket lines), that makes this a golden opportunity to fulfill one's dream of being interviewed by Colbert.

How to accomplish this.  Well, there appear to be several main ways to get onesself in the Potential Colbert Interviewee Pool.

1.  Become a member of Congress.  Stephen interviews Representatives in his "Better Know a District" segment.  I think this is not a really good way to get myself interviewed.  There's no guarantee that Stephen would get around to my district during my initial two-year term in Congress.  (Indeed, I'm pretty sure he's already interviewed my current Representative, which would mean I'd need him to be willing to "better know" my District a second time, before he has finished "better knowing" most Districts even once.)  Not to mention the whole having-to-get-elected thing.  It would be pricey to run a campaign, and I'd miss a lot of work.

2.  Name something after Stephen.  This has worked for such items as:  a junior league hockey team mascot; a bridge in Hungary; and a really big airplane.  I do not believe I have a suitable naming opportunity available.  (No sports teams, no bridges, no airplanes.)  I do not anticipate discovering a new species of ... anything anytime soon, nor am I likely to discover a comet or other item of astronomical goodness that would come with a naming opportunity.  (For starters, I would need to buy a telescope.)  So that's out.  I am more than willing to name my Roomba after Stephen.  It makes a lot of noise and frequently bangs its head against the wall.

3.  Write a nonfiction book.  This, too, is problematic.  One needn't just write the book, one must get it published too.  Ideally, it is a well-researched tome of historical, political, and/or religious significance.  I'm not so sure I can pound one of those puppies out between now and the time the writers' strike -- and my Golden Guest Opportunity -- ends.  It sounds suspiciously like work.  (I can, however, write a short pamphlet entitled, "How to Get Interviewed on The Colbert Report."  There's just one more step I'll need to complete my research.)

4.  End the writers' strike.  While, technically, nobody has become a guest on The Colbert Report for ending the writers' strike, I do believe that ending the strike (and saying I'm doing it all for Stephen) would earn me a fast track ticket to two-and-a-half minutes of basic cable fame.  I have some experience in mediation, having come up with a way the litigants could settle one entire lawsuit some sixteen years ago.  So I'm putting the offer out there -- give me a copy of the current contract, each side's negotiating position, the side deals already negotiated with individual producers, a locked room, the lead negotiators for the union and the producers, a dry erase board, and all the Nacho Cheese Doritos we can eat, and I'll see if we can't take care of this right now.

5.  Create an interesting website.  Now, at first, I'd thought this was one of those things like
"write a nonfiction book," where you'd have to put in all sorts of work to get your website up and running with ten gajillion hits per minute before Stephen's booking people would even look at you.  Au contraire, mon ami.  The other day, he had a guy on whose website had only been up for five days.  I've had websites up for way longer than that, although, admittedly, this guy's site had rather more television appeal than pictures of my cat.  (At least, to some people.  Some of us think pictures of my cat are pretty darned appealing.)  This does seem like a promising line of potential guestitude.  All I need is an idea for a website that Stephen's peeps might be interested in promoting, some bandwidth, a web designer, and a publicist.  I've got leads on items 2, 3, 4, so all I really need is the brilliant idea for a Colbert-plug-worthy website.

Me and the cat are gonna get right on that.