Sunday, April 4, 2010

Memo to Kate Gosselin

(OK, yeah, I watch Dancing with the Stars.  Wanna make something of it?)

You are no Heather Mills.

I know.  Wouldn't have thought it.  Heather Mills shows up on DWTS with one of the most hated public personas out there.  And she ended up making us actually like her.  She had a terrific attitude.  She was sweet.  Humble.  Friendly.  Willingly accepting criticism.  Ready to try anything with a smile on her face.  Now, whether this is actually who she was (or if she is, in reality, a scheming bitch) doesn't entirely matter.  The point is:  she went out there and put a shine on her image.

Then there's you.  Frankly, Kate, I've been on your side in the whole split-up with Jon thing.  I used to watch your show, and always thought you were a great mom, and really held things together.  Sure, Jon was more laid-back, but when you're running a household with eight kids, someone's got to establish some order, and you seemed to make sure everyone got the attention they needed.  So, way to go, there.

And two dances into Dancing with the Stars and I'm starting to think that maybe what we saw on TLC wasn't the real Kate and maybe, just maybe, Jon is the one who is being treated unfairly by the media here.

What I'm trying to say is that you're doing absolutely nothing for your cause.  And it has nothing to do with the fact that you kinda suck as a dancer.  (Which you do.)  Here's the thing, though:  you're not on the show to be a brilliant dancer; you're on the show to get some good press, and you're not going to accomplish it along the current path.

Here's what you need to do:

Step One:   Lose the hair extensions.  They make you look like a grown-up version of those kids on Toddlers & Tiaras.  You've said that you're doing this for all the moms out there -- stop trying to look like a fashion model and go back to looking like the pretty, real, mom that you are.

Step Two:  Acknowledge that you suck as a dancer.  Admit it to your partner; admit it to the judges -- and, damn it, admit it to yourself.  You're not going to win.  But we're not going to let you outlast Buzz Aldrin unless you have an attitude adjustment.  (And, yes, he sucks worse than you.  But he's happy to be there and voters like joy.)  So treat the experience as one where -- unlike your home -- you don't know everything.  Just take advantage of the chance to learn to dance with these people and have as much fun as you can.

Step Three:  Try to suck slightly less.  Listen to your partner.  Listen to the judges.  Watch the videos of your performances.  Here's a tip:  when you're unsure of your steps, you're not fooling anyone by doing them really small.  All eyes are on you anyway.  Go BIG.  If you go outrageously wrong, go outrageously wrong BIG.  Leave it to your world champion partner to change his steps and cover for you.  That's his job.

Step Four:  Be nice.  Look, I don't know if all the "diva" rumors I've been reading are true, but let's just put it this way:  There are plenty of people way more famous than you who they could've signed to be on the show instead of you.  Recognize this -- when you're not dancing, be humble, be generous, be complimentary and sweet as sugar.  I don't care if it's all fake. 

I'd much rather see fake kindness than fake hair. 

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