Words and Phrases

It dawns on me that I only know one Chinese word, and even there I'm not sure of its dialect: bao.  I think of them as tasty barbecue-pork-filled buns, but I'm told it actually means "purse" or "pouch."  Makes sense.  Still, I can't see myself getting real far in Taipei with a single-word vocabulary ("My!  What tasty bao!" and "Hey!  Get your hands off my bao!" are the outside limits) so I intend to never be real far from someone who speaks English.

Still.  Going to a whole other continent and all, there are a few words and phrases I'd like to know in the local language.  (Or have written down, so I can point cheerfully to the phrase I want, and avoid horrible mispronounciation errors.  'Cause you just know that I'm going to aim for "Where's the restroom?" and end up saying something like, "What a lovely octopus.")

In an ideal world, I'd be on top of the following words and phrases:

Please
Thank you
Pardon me, how do I find...my hotel? the museum? the bathroom? my tour group? some really kick-ass bao?
How much?  Perhaps a small discount?
Thank you for welcoming me into your home; here have some chocolate.
The United States.  No, I didn't vote for him.
California.  Not him either.
Thank you, but I would prefer not to visit the poultry farm.
I am horribly sorry that I unintentionally violated your custom; please accept more chocolate.