Things I Want: Easy Access to Easter Eggs

You all know "Easter Eggs," right?  Those little secret bonuses that find their way onto your DVDs.  Fun little clips of film, interviews, extra behind-the-scenes stuff -- whatever.  And they're called Easter Eggs because they're hidden.  I'm not talking about all the stuff you get to just from clicking on the "Special Features" menu -- I'm talking about the stuff you get when you click on something you shouldn't obviously click on.

I am starting to really hate Easter Eggs.

Because, frankly, when I paid good money for the DVD, I paid for all the content, and I want to be able to access it without jumping through a billion hoops.

And this is especially true when the hoops are twelve-year-old-boy sized.

Take last night, for example.  For my birthday, a friend bought me the DVD of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (aka "the first one").  Last night, around 1:00 a.m., I put some food in the microwave for dinner, and thought, "Hmm, maybe I'll look at the deleted scenes on the Harry Potter DVD while I'm waiting for it to cook."

Famous last words.

I know there's deleted scenes on this thing.  Says so on the back of the box.  But the deleted scenes aren't incorporated into the movie (like they are in the Extended Edition Lord of the Rings disks).  And the deleted scenes aren't anywhere obvious on the Special Features disk.

I know this because I clicked all around the Special Features disk.

Personally, I would've put the deleted scenes under the heading "Library," but they weren't there.  There were five books there to click on -- each one unlabelled.  One told you something about playing a flute for Fluffy; one had lots of drawings of keys in it; one had a little film clip introducing you to the ghosts of Hogwarts; one just growled at you and went back on the shelf ...  none of these books had deleted scenes.

(By now my dinner is ready and I start eating it.)

There are lots of other places to click on the Special Features disk:  Diagon Alley, Classrooms, Interviews, Tour of Hogwarts and so forth.  I click on anything that looks interesting.  Twice I end up clicking on a box of those "Every Flavor Beans" and get to listen to the narrator tell me what disgusting tasting bean I accidentally selected.  Ha ha.

I finally give up and click on "Classrooms."  It won't let me in.  It says I can't go to class without my wand. 

:::Eye roll:::

I click on Diagon Alley.  It won't let me get in unless I press the bricks in the right order. 

(Oh for pete's sake.)

After making fun of my brick pushing ineptness, it gives up and lets me in "just this once."

I click on the wand shop.  It tells me I can't buy a wand without money.

I click on the bank.  It tells me I can't get my money without my key.

I click on a key.  I go back to the bank and get my money.

I go to the wand shop.  Moving my selector button around, I find there are about 8 wands I can click on.  I click on a wand.  The voiceover says something like, "8 1/2 inches, maple with unicorn hair."  Then it shows an amusing film clip of the wand waving and everything in the shop blowing up.  It resets.  I select another wand.  It tells me all about that wand and blows the shop up again.

It fails to reset.  My DVD player sometimes has trouble with short film clips and ends up spinning the disk forever.  I have to stop the disk and start over.  From the beginning.

(Push wrong bricks and get let in "just this once," key, gold, wand shop, try more wands.)

Success!  Hoo-bleeding-ray.  I apparently picked the wand that worked without sending my DVD player into spasms again, and I high-tail it over to the "Classrooms" before the DVD player gets other ideas.

There are four classrooms.  I click through them all.  (More "Every Flavor Beans."  This time, I click on a vomit flavored one.  Ha ha.)  One classroom tells me something about a round bottle that is apparently important.

I've clicked through four classrooms.  I still haven't found my damn extra scenes and don't think that "playing" the "select the wand" game has been a whole lot of fun at 1:00 in the morning.

I keep clicking in pissed-off-ness and eventually click one of those unmarked places that I hadn't thought I was allowed to click.  I get a new clip of film saying I'm going into the forbidden hallway.  Success!

Yeah, that's what I thought.

First, there's more games.

1.  Here's Fluffy, barring your way.  Click on the item you use to calm Fluffy.  (The flute!  I read this in the library!  Take that, stupid game.)

2.  Which potion bottle do you select?  (Ooo!  Ooo!  I know this!  The round one!)

3.  Pick the right flying key.

Crap.  There's at least 10 of them that I can click on.  And if something in that book of flying key pictures was supposed to help me out here, I don't know what it is.  I click a few keys and the screen resets.  I hold my breath, waiting for my DVD player to give out on me again, but it holds -- the screen is just rearranging keys.  Conveniently, there's no penalty for picking the wrong key, and you can just keep clicking them until you get the right one (or your DVD player goes into an infinite loop again).

I pick the right key.  I get a screen with the sorcerer's stone on it.  I click the stone and "claim my reward."

YES!  Seven deleted scenes.  Woo!  Score! 

1:30 a.m.

Listen here, oh makers of DVDs.  I wanted the Special Features disk for the sole purpose of seeing the deleted scenes.  And this means I wanted to actually watch the deleted scenes -- without having to do a half hour of stupid games that waste my time and put unnecessary wear and tear on my (already fragile) DVD player.  Would it be too much to ask for a "Grown-Ups' Version" DVD, which just HAS all the bonus material easily accessible without making me endure the fun and excitement of buying the right magic wand?