Foul!

Went shopping today.  Because, y'know, it's Presidents' Day and, as an American, I am required to go to the mall.  It's in one of those little-known Constitutional Amendments, right next to the one about hot dogs on the 4th of July.

And, because it is the middle of February, it is apparently time for swimsuit shopping.

Not fair!  Not fair!  It's FEBRUARY.  I'm still wearing my winter body.  You know, the one with the extra layer of fat for warmth?  I should so not be finding myself wearing a skimpy little thing that reveals all sorts of body parts that shouldn't be seeing the light of day for months.

But, I had to give it a shot. This because I remembered how difficult it was to buy a suit before my trip in November.  Not to mention, on that boat in Fiji, how much I really wanted to own a two-piece suit (for those days when you want to wear a swimsuit under you clothes all day, so you can jump in the water when the opportunity arises, but you STILL want to be able to actually use the bathroom without stripping down naked). 

So, yeah, two-piece.  Not necessarily a bikini, but I was willing to try one for laughs.

Laughs indeed.  Here's another little unfair fact.  Swimsuit sizes are not the same as regular clothing sizes.  So if you've just discovered that you can't squeeze your butt into those size 8 jeans without looking like a sausage, you're in for a REAL shock if you put on a size 8 swimsuit -- because you'll be needing at least a 12.  Boy, that'll help your self-esteem. 

I had forgotten this fact.  I put on a bikini top in the size of my normal wardrobe, and ended up showing so much flesh I could star in my own Super Bowl Half-Time show.

And I thought up this great marketing idea for gyms.  The local gym ought to have a representative standing in the fitting room with a Polaroid camera and a sign-up form.  Because there is nothing that makes you want to do that second set of ab-curls than seeing yourself in a too-small swimsuit.  I am so motivated right now.